Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
58.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Succinctly put.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.