Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Happy thanksgiving!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂