look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
You Might Also Like
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My work here is don’t.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.