Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.