the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*