Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”