*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You Might Also Like
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective