Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*