Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans