[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My flabber has been gasted.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…