One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Every work meeting this week
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”