Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
favorite tropes as memes
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken