My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
reviewed some movies recently
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!