Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”