Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
good let them take over I have had enough
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.