{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You Might Also Like
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
british sex workers really pound for pound
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Happy Taco Tuesday
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.