What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
The honesty is refreshing
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.