*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
So true for me
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
#parenting
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own