One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity