I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
B
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?