cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*