“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”