me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
british sex workers really pound for pound
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it