Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.