Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Word!