Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
White Castle for the Win
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Is this a threat?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey