Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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this is funnier than any friends episode
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.