[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
They’re the worst 😩
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”