If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
You Might Also Like
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Had an epiphany today.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.