Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Holy shit he’s back
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.