You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Coffee for people with no kids
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
what’s really going on
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Florida be like…
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.