Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
And then there were 4
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty