Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!