I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught