doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Venn
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.