You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
But that’s none of my business
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children