DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Risking my life for fun.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful