“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.