11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her