please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Van Gone
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor