Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I wanna be friends with this person
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*