Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Miscakes
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
normalize having existential bread
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
You make me want to be a better home and garden.