some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.