don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?