Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.