The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials