3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters