“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor