11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome