Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
✌️
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.